Guiding Principles of Fatherhood
It’s April 3rd when I’m writing this. 5 years ago, my earthly father passed away from this life and entered into the unhindered presence of Jesus. I was there by his side, along with my mom and siblings. It was one of the holiest moments of my life.
Dad was not perfect, but he was a good man. He lived by the mantra in life and business that to “do right by people” and “to be a man of your word” were the highest objectives. He knew these were the pillars of trust and that trust makes good homes, good neighborhoods and good communities. People trusted my dad.
But dad would have told you that all of that, as good as it was, was a means of self-preservation. That his understanding of, and relationship with God was based upon him being a good man. And so he lived a good life, not in a healthy freedom, but in an unhealthy fear. Until he was 59 years old. That’s when he truly heard the Gospel. He had been in and around church his whole life, but that Sunday evening, God was doing things in my dad’s life. He granted my dad ears to hear the truth about the liberating freedom the grace of Jesus affords. He had seen it transform some of his kids and in-laws. He was “pondering the path of his feet” (Proverbs 4:26) and “the way that seemed right to a man” (Proverbs 14:12) and found it all lacking the fruit of the Spirit he craved.
I still have one of the first written testimonies he crafted around that time. It was powerful, especially in a southern town where the purest form of worship could be found at the football field on Friday nights. In that note he wrote, “I was 99% good, and 100% lost.” I’m not sure if the first part of that math equation holds up theologically, but he knew what he meant. And other people did too. I remember a cousin of mine was in disbelief when he heard about my dad’s conversion. He said something to the effect of “If James Reed wasn’t saved before now, then nobody is!” Which shows you the natural way people view salvation and religion: fear based scales, measuring some sort of life performance (often in comparison to other people’s lives) and then pronouncing some sort of condemnation or reward upon the self.
But dad experienced God as Father, through the saving work of Jesus, in the power and fellowship of the Holy Spirit. And the experience of that gift melted away his unhealthy fear-based performance mindset and ushered him into a healthy freedom: where the Fear (think awe, respect) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, life and health (in the fullest sense).
Dad’s story has caused me to reflect on who a Father really is. Technically speaking, a father is a biological male parent of any child. But I’m not talking about anatomy, biology or legality in this post. I’m talking about the emotional, spiritual and leadership qualities of a Father. And while these 4 points are not exhaustive, I do believe they are true. Here are 4 aspects of what it means to be a Father:
1. A Father listens. I have 6 kids. It’s a lot easier in the short run to make assumptions, give a word of direction, settle the score and move on. But it doesn’t help the kid and it doesn’t help the dad in the long run. One of the greatest experiences of God as Father is the reality of prayer. There are over 650 prayers in the Bible with about 450 of those recorded as answered. That is a compelling argument that God is the God who sees, hears and gets involved with His people’s circumstances. My dad would often be on the other side of a table (RIP Old McDonald’s BBQ) or the other side of the phone listening to me share or ask questions. I miss that. Dad trained me to go to my Father in heaven. But the difference is, where my dad didn’t always know what to say (which is totally okay), God knows what I need before I ask. He truly is the God who hears. Good fathers do too.
2. A Father leads. Anytime dad asked me to do something around the house, he would show me how to do it, join me in it, then empowered me to complete it. My brother and I were able to multiply the work needed to be done because of this pattern. These principles are latent throughout all of Scripture as God leads His people to partner with and accomplish the work He has for us to do.
3. A Father guides. As children get older, a father’s role begins to shift from CDM (chief decision maker) to guidance coach. This is a difficult transition because of the uncertainty of the son or daughter’s ability to make wise decisions that factors into the equation. Instead of just giving answers, guidance asks clarifying questions, poses potential roadblocks, points to a heavenly Father’s care and ultimately offers perspective so that the kid learns to make decisions with God in community. A father won’t always be around; God will, and Lord-willing, a community of trust to help along the way.
4. A Father blesses and releases. Many times when I would call my dad, his best advice would often be, “son, at the end of the day, you need to trust the LORD.” Now that may sound basic and dismissive, but everytime he said it, it always felt like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. He would bless me and entrust me to God. That is a pattern you pick up on early in the Bible, from Abraham to Isaac to Jacob to Joseph. As one who struggles to do this well, I want to grow in my ability to bless my kids and release them to the Father.
Dad was not a perfect dad. He grieved often about things he did or didn’t do. But he was a good dad. And I’m thankful for it. And when he began following Jesus, he became a great dad, mainly because he was ever dependent upon his heavenly Father and pointed me, and many others, to Him as well.
